I know I'm late jumping on The Hunger Games bandwagon, but I wanted to read the books before the movie came out. They're immensely popular here. I've had friends telling me to read them for what feels like forever. So I finally caved, reading them in sequence in three days. This may have influenced my opinions on the books, because right know, I am mentally strung out. Exhausted. I have had Hunger Games dreams for the past couple of nights, with myself as Katniss, and have awoken feeling as if I'd gotten no sleep.

I'm not here to go into the Gale/Peeta debate or nit-pick at little details. My main concern is this: people love these books, obsess over them; argue over them. My question is....why? How can you love something like this? How can you read about Katniss's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and night terrors and the general concept of having Hunger Games and talk so flippantly about it? The books are written beautifully and the characters are superb, but I couldn't get through them without being as horrified as Katniss must have been the entire time. In some ways I think that they were written a little too well, because super-sensitive or overly sympathetic people probably had a bit of a hard time with the books, especially the last one.

There are girls online making cutesy graphics and taking pictures of their braids and saying "OMG I FEEL LIKE KATNISS TODAY" and I'm wondering why the hell anyone would EVER want to feel like Katniss ever. Is it that you want to be a hero or shoot a bow?  I mean, I know it's not because she's likeable. She's about as likeable as anyone who's been thrown in a pit to kill or be killed can be. That's one of the things that I admired about these horribly bleak books, and one of the things that made them so hard to read. The realism was spot-on. Katniss wasn't peppy and optimistic, Haymitch was perpetually drunk, and all of the other victors dealt with the killings in their own ways. Even the "happy ending" was tinged with blood and sorrow. I just don't understand how people can fixate on and love a story like this one, especially younger people. The gripping realism and dismal outlook of the books (not that I expect a Disney end to everything) just make them exhausting and hard to bear, at least for me.

1) Acting like you don't care what happens.

Your man isn't your personal vending machine. He is not a car, and he is not a credit card. While guys like the thrill of the chase, they need to be shown that they're a good date/boyfriend/lover, and shown appreciation sometimes.

2) Strangling the life out of him.

Please note that by "appreciation" I do not mean smothering him with anything like PDA or 50 billion texts proclaiming your everlasting love. I knew a girl who was with her boyfriend for exactly one month before he couldn't take it anymore. She was constantly trying to get him to hold her hand, kiss her in public, text her during class, and they were literally together almost every day, from lunch until bed time. This girl had a grip that a python would envy, and in the end it terminated her relationship.

3) Ignoring him for long periods of time when he upsets you.

Men are like dogs. If you don't tell them what they did wrong immediately, they're going to forget about it later. So four days down the line when you're still sending one-word texts and not answering his phone calls, he probably has no idea what's going on and is either freaking out or shrugging it off and placing the blame on your Aunt Flo. If you need to cool off after he does something, fine. But don't give him the silent treatment and expect him to know what you did, or see the error of his ways. You're just going to piss him off and get more agitated yourself. Girls shouldn't have to "show their anger in different ways" because we need to just man up and explain what's bothering us and why, and maybe then we'll get the apology we want. (If he runs over your cat or slaps your mother and still doesn't get that he did something wrong, that's a different story. This only applies to normal situations.)

4) "Does this make me look fat?"

Stop compliment fishing. The dress doesn't make you look fat, your fat ass does, and you know it. If you want reassurance that you look okay, go to your girlfriends. Your guy doesn't care (and would probably prefer) if you walk around naked. Ask him if you look okay, don't ask him if you look better in cream or off-white. Guys are good for the big picture, not small, intricate details that only women know about. By the same token if he gives you a nice compliment, graciously accept it and thank him. This will let him know that he did something right and should continue doing it in the future.

5) Double Standards

I'm talking about the same old, tired cliches that we're all sick of hearing. Don't expect to have a "girls night out" and bitch and moan if he wants to watch football with his friends one random evening. Don't treat him like a piece of meat and talk about him in a derogatory manner if you want him to treat you like a lady. Respect him. The new age of feminism and female empowerment doesn't mean we have to lash out against every single thing with the XY chromosome.

6) Listening to Cosmo

Cosmo may be good for a little light, humorous reading, but that's about all it's good for. Unfortunately, some women have taken it to heart and are doing everything from putting spaghetti sauce on their nipples to pulling their hair back with used thongs and giving his unit an Indian Rugburn. I'm sure there's some guy, somewhere out there who finds all of those things to be attractive, but I'm not sure I want to meet him. Take everything Cosmo says with a grain of salt. At the end of the day it's still written by women and trying to cater to women in any way they possibly can to sell magazines.


Yes, this was directly inspired by the mancouch article "Where males screw up". I agree and disagree with some things on that list, but that's not the point. Guys take a whole lot of crap from women, and not all of it is completely deserved.

So guys and girls: Do you agree? Disagree? Did I forget anything?

Unless you're Paris Hilton, ("WalMart...do they like make walls there?") you've probably heard of WalMart, and have probably shopped there, be it of your own free will or by the crushing force of necessity. JesusMart sells anything and everything your twisted little heart desires, but sometimes simply walking through the doors can make a person want to take a shotgun blast to the skull. Luckily for you, I am now employed by the largest retailer in the world. Like Moses, I have shouldered the responsibility of dispensing the wisdom I've gleaned from a higher entity-and I'll do it without taking that Ten Commandments metaphor any further. (You're welcome.)

1. Ask the right person.

If you want to know where a particular pair of off-white pants is in the clothing section, do NOT ask a person with any of the following words on his or her badge: "Cashier", "Courtesy Associate", or the most damning title, "Trainee". These employees know fuck-all about where anything is located, and simply walking toward a Trainee will cause him or her to break out in a cold sweat. If you want to know where something is, ask a Sales Associate. The best bet is to get to the section of the store you think something's in and find someone with a "Department Manager" badge, because that person will pinpoint specific items with an eerie precision.

2. Sales Associates should do their job, but they are not omnipotent.

While we Associates like to stay in our particular departments (such as Health & Beauty, Automotive, Clothing, etc.) like territorial dogs, we're occasionally forced to venture out of our comfort zones and into other parts of the store. That's why you may grab an Associate with no idea what you're looking for. Allow them to stand there with a dumb look on their face and admit defeat. That's acceptable. What you shouldn't allow is a simple "I have no idea where that is, sorry" as they run away. A good Associate will either call someone to help you or hunt down another Associate (from that department), so simply say "Please get someone from this section to help me out". Saying "Are you sure you work here?" or "Why the bleep don't you bleeping know where anything is?" doesn't help the situation. Even if you find an Associate in the right area, they may not know exactly where something is, but they will help you look. Cut them some slack. The managers dictate where things go, and Associates simply shelve it. We do not have an electronic registry in our brains that helps us find things. Even if held at gunpoint, we could not tell you, for example, where that specific brand of fat-free spinach dip is located. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

3. If you are told to leave the building or hear "due to circumstances beyond our control...", do exactly what you are told.

While going into detail about this one would get me fired in a heartbeat, I will simply tell you this. If you hear that you need to leave the building, do it immediately. Even if you can't see anything wrong with the store, or can't see what the fuss is all about, if you are told to leave or do something, go. Note how I did not say anything about looting, panicking, screaming, or crying. Get your kids, leave your potential purchases, and get out in a calm but brisk fashion. As an Associate, I'm supposed to go down with the ship like the orchestra from Titanic, and my job includes assisting the elderly out of the building, lighting a metaphorical fire under the asses of people who don't take the announcement seriously,  and making sure all the exits are open.

4. We do not do things just to piss you off.

While it may sound like something out of a crappy training video, every customer counts. Think about it. If we make all of you mad, you don't shop at WalMart anymore, and we don't get paid. While you may be enraged at the fact that we stocked your deodorant in a different place, we don't carry your favorite brand of jeans anymore, or we don't have enough check-out lanes open, we're not rubbing our hands together with glee that we've managed to make your day a little worse. We're just as harassed and over-worked as waiters and waitresses, for instance. If you can't find a Sales Associate that's probably because he/she is off helping someone else in a different department (See #2) or helping his/her manager.

5. Don't try to steal from us.

Is it possible to steal from WalMart? Sure. It's run by people, and people make mistakes. So do our electronics, as anyone who has heard activated the electronic perimeter with a tag can attest. However, is it probable that you can steal from WalMart? No it isn't. Asset Protection, our version of security, has eyes in the sky. The next time you're in WalMart, look up and see how many cameras there are. I tried to count them, and I failed. There are a crapton of cameras, and they can all be trained on you. Ever wonder why Asset Protection doesn't automatically come after you if you think you look suspicious? Cameras. Lots of them, and some you can't even see. They use the cameras to tell who is just rifling through her purse and who is actually a shoplifter. There are all sorts of lovely security measures in place, none of which I will reveal to you, because helping you steal stuff would be counter-intuitive.

6. If you seriously need to complain, keep your cool or you won't be taken seriously.

On rare occasion, an employee will do something that's worth talking to a manager about, such as being unbelievably rude or coming to work blitzed. Salaried managers are the people in white button-downs who have the headsets that they're constantly uttering "Right. Uh-huh. Yeah." into, as if they are listening to a rap song no one else can hear. If an Associate or Cashier does you wrong, find one of these guys for best results. However, just remember that as soon as you go home, the particular employee in question has all the time in the world to tell the other side of the story. WalMart is second only to Africa in terms of diversity. Here, you find the full spectrum of personalities and personality disorders. Lovely people shop at WalMart, but so do screaming loonies. If you curse, yell, or whine too much at a manager, they'll be more likely to lump you into the second category. That's not to say they'll ignore your complaint or won't take it seriously, but focusing and calmly explaining your point while giving specific details of the incident will help you in the long run. Using Manager Steve as your verbal whipping boy may give you short-term satisfaction, but it won't get the guilty party punished or resolve anything.

7. Associates on break are not legally allowed to help you.

If you venture to the back of the store, you'll eventually see a tired, rumpled line of workers trailing in and out of the "Associates Only" doors as if they were on their way to their own group hanging. Sometimes they won't have their name badges on, but you can still spot them easily-no normal person would be caught dead in the orthopedic shoes, navy blue polos, and khaki pants that make up the WalMart uniform. If you think that they're trying to avoid you, skulking around, or doing anything they can to avoid direct eye contact, it's because they are. If we're off the clock (taking a meal/rest break, or clocking in/out) we literally can't help you, even if it's for one little thing. The company is militant about this rule, and we would get fired if we're caught doing it. I've seen salaried managers clamp their mouths shut and walk away from small-time Sales Associates, just because the words "I'm on break" were uttered. It may seem stupid and petty to customers, but that's the way things are now. So the next time you think we're just being mean, or you see someone in navy blue and khaki who can say "Really, I don't work here" with a straight face, you'll know why.

8. Rollbacks are not forever.

This is the thing I catch hell for the most often. "But it said it was on Rollback!" a whiny customer will whine, his face all scrunched up like a toddler's, "It said!" First of all, if the product is talking to you it's called schizophrenia, not Rollback. Second of all, Rollbacks are temporary, and will "drop off" Rollback when the time comes. We are usually able to take signs down in the allotted time, but sometimes we can't get to a display quickly enough. So for all of you out there who are pissed off because of misleading Rollback signs, I apologize.